Happy Birthday, my friend.

I'll now add my most famous recipe of all to the list of Birthday recipes compiled by the gorgeous Tammi:

Pick up the phone.

Dial the number of your favorite take-out restaurant.

Open a bottle of wine.

When food is consumed, throw empty containers away.

Drink more wine.

Prep time: 1 minute. 

I've been traveling, moving and unpacking boxes for the past few days. I'm just now beginning to catch up on some of the news that I missed recently. One story in particular caught my eye. A British woman, Jane Felix-Browne, married one of Osama bin-Laden's numerous sons, her sixth marriage according to reports.

Jane Felix-Browne said that she had been overwhelmed by the response after The Times revealed yesterday that she had married a son of the al-Qaeda leader.

Mrs Felix-Browne, 51, married Omar Ossama bin Laden, 27, in April after a holiday romance and is now preparing to apply for a visa so that he can visit Britain.

What to make of this union? Well, for starters, it is important that you understand the newlyweds are committed not only to peace in the Middle East, but world-wide peace.

She hopes to use her position as the daughter-in-law of the world’s most wanted terrorist to help to promote peace in the Middle East.

“Omar trusts me and has supported me is speaking publicly about our marriage and about our plans to campaign for peace. I know a lot about Middle East politics and believe there should be peace in the whole of the world, the same as Omar.”

How commendable.

Jane Felix-Browne claims that her new husband is opposed to terrorism. Color me skeptical. According to this news article, Omar Ossama bin Laden lived in Afghanistan when his father was planning and plotting the September 11 attacks.

She insists that her husband does not support terrorism and has not seen his father since 2000, when they both lived in Afghanistan during the period when it was controlled by the Taleban.

I don't believe in pining the sins of a parent on a child, but in this case, I think it's fair to assume there was no Leave it to Beaver type of family atmosphere in Afghanistan when Osama and junior were living there simultaneously.

Another article states:

She said that her husband left Afghanistan before the attacks on the US on September 11, 2001. However, some reports claim that he split from his father only after the attack on New York and an argument about tactics.

Mrs Felix-Browne insisted: “He last saw his father in 2000 when they were both in Afghanistan. He left his father because he did not feel it was right to fight or to be in an army. Omar was training to be a soldier and he was only 19.

Poor Omar, he misses Papa.

“He told me he has had no contact with his father since the day he left him. He misses his father. Omar doesn’t know if it was his father who was responsible for the 9/11 attacks. I don’t think we will ever know.”

As if you haven't figured it out by now, why is Jane Felix-Browne a nut?

“The only reason I would like to meet his father is to ask, ‘Did you do it [the September 11 attacks] and if you did, why?’ ” she said. “I want to understand why it happened because it was a tragic event which led to tens of thousands of other people dying.”

No need to ask, Ms. Felix-Browne. Your new daddy-in-law has already answered the question. Over and over again.

Now, go and make world peace....

Alas, military families have been exposed for what we really are....

...fat, whiney, miserable dregs of society.

Allow me to introduce you to a few of these fat, whiney military wives. Bwahahahaha, this is gonna be fun, with a capital "F."

Most of you know about my association with Sew Much Comfort, an all-volunteer, non-profit organization which was founded by, you guessed it, one of those pesky, whiney military wives, Ginger Dosedel. Ginger is a real twit, as you can see. How dare she clothe amputees and burn victims? By doing so, she has enabled them to get out of those hospitals and mingle with the general population, which is rather unfortunate because nobody, and I mean nobody, deserves to be confronted with missing limbs or severe burns. It's yet another distasteful reminder of how we waste our tax dollars. Ginger, you truly are a louse.

Oh do I have a bone to pick with those Marine wives, starting with Carrie Costantini. What on earth were you thinking when you started Operation Santa, Carrie? Did you not realize that the troops who received your Christmas stockings were idiotic, immoral and totally undeserving of gifts? Good gosh. Let them rot in that taxpayer-subsidized military hospital on Christmas Day without so much as a Ho Ho Ho. You're a real winner, you know that?

I'm not done with you. Not by a long shot. Operation Fresh Air ring a bell? Yeah, I thought so. Taking wounded troops and their families out of the hospital for some fresh air? Way to go, Carrie, and the rest of those meddling little Marine wives you partnered with. Real good going! Do you people never think of anyone other than yourselves? 

I suppose if there's anything good to be said for the works mentioned above, all of these projects were funded by private donations. I would, after all, hate to see taxpayer dollars wasted on the miserable individuals who comprise the United States Military, not to mention their fat, whining families. 

Now, let's talk about SpouseBUZZ. What a bunch of losers. Where to start? Is there anything worse than twelve military wives writing on one forum in an effort to entertain, humor and support thousands of whiney military spouses? Why, yes. Yes, there is. It's called SpouseBUZZ LIVE. Take the twelve primary whiners and have them meet up in person (at or near some killer-training facility, otherwise known as a military installation) with hundreds of other worthless military spouses. Torture. Sheer torture, I tell you.

You, ArmyWifeToddlerMom, with your howling and screeching about what it was like to deliver two babies while your husband was deployed. How much did that Labor and Delivery bill cost the taxpayers, huh? Oh, and that conversation about what it was like to live 18 months with your husband in a combat-zone. Puh-leessseee... Enough, already.

And you, Carren, with your inspirational stories of helping your husband recover from a severe injury. What kind of guy gets himself blown up by a bunch of terrorists anyway? A fine couple you are! Waaaaaa.

Of course there's Mrs. G. Another waste of oxygen. Getting up at the crack of dawn and meticulously composing those ridiculous pieces of propaganda each morning. What a tool fool! 

How about this one? She's not fooling anyone with her crazy little video. We know the truth. Airbrushed the fat out. No doubt about it.

Oh, I could go on and on, but I certainly wouldn't want to bore you.  You get the idea. Military wives are a pretty useless group. Goodness knows this country would be better off without them.

Well, I'm off to expand my backside. I have a dozen or so Little Debbie's calling my name. Once I've polished them off, I'll start working on some other whiney rants.

Next edition - those worthless pieces of crap otherwise known as military moms. You think the wives are bad. Wait till you get a load of the moms. Sheesh....

Last week, while reading this excellent post by Cass, I came across a quote by Glenn Reynolds:

THE TROOPS USED TO BE HEROES. Then the media made them victims. Now it's making them evil, like the hordes of "Jenjis Khan." This will make betraying them more palatable.

This quote perfectly describes how I feel these days. I've discussed the victimization of the military on the part of some who can't possibly understand the military's deep commitment to their mission here and here, and I've stressed over and over that I want civilians to respect our choice to live this life and not paint us as victims at every turn, or pity us because we can't possibly understand the depths to which we're being taken advantage of by evil people who are using us to obtain global domination.   

Glenn is correct, the victimization claims are slowly giving way to something much more troublesome, and that is that belief in some quarters that the men and women who comprise our military are just plain evil. As I mentioned here, I'm worn out. I'm tired of arguing for or against Operation Iraqi Freedom. I have no desire to jump into the political fray. My time is better spent on more positive things, but that doesn't mean that I don't live in a constant state of agitation because increasingly, our military is being viciously maligned. By extension, that means my husband is being viciously maligned, and it becomes personal and painful and maddening.

There is scarcely a week that goes by that I don't have civilians thank ME for my service. While it's always heartening to hear, the sad reality is that far too few people have any connection whatsoever to the military, which is rather unfortunate considering we're in the toughest struggle of our time. I'll admit that occasionally I feel a tinge of resentment that more people don't understand what it's like to be a military family in a post-9/11 world. The deep disconnect between the military and civilians is troubling, at best, and destructive, at worst. I don't have the answer on how to bridge the divide, but I do know this - there is a large percentage of people who would rather not try, and I think that's where the resentment creeps in. Remember the brouhaha over the embed program in the early days of OIF? Wouldn't want those reporters to actually get to know the caliber and character of the troops they're covering, now would we? Humanize them? Forget it...   

One of the women I've come to know and admire is journalist and Navy wife, Kristin Henderson. Kristin penned a rather lengthy and fascinating piece for the Washington Post this past weekend titled, "Their War." In this piece, Kristin explores the growing divide between the military community and civilians.

Less than half the civilian population believes military leaders can be relied on to respect civilian control of the military, according to surveys by the Triangle Institute for Security Studies, an academic think tank in North Carolina. Never mind that 92 percent of military leaders still insist their civilian masters should have the final say on whether to use military force. And while nearly two-thirds of military leaders believe they share the same values as the American people, only about one-third of their civilian counter-parts agree. The vast majority of civilians believe service members are intolerant, stingy, rigid and lacking in creativity. More than 20 percent report they'd be disappointed if their children joined the military. Before the invasion of Iraq, the editorial boards of major newspapers endorsed the use of force, yet a search turned up no calls for Americans to join up to support the effort.

Devastating.

More from Kristin:

FOR NOW, AMERICA TUCKS THE TINY TRIBE OF PEOPLE WHO STILL DO ITS DIRTY WORK OUT OF SIGHT OF MOST CIVILIANS, on and around scattered military installations. There, service members and their families live and work -- and mourn -- behind guarded gates and barbed wire.

As I said above, we choose this life, so whining and complaining would be a complete waste of time and energy, but that doesn't mean that our shoulders don't become tired from time to time from carrying such a heavy load.   

I recently showed my husband this photo, and added that I agree wholeheartedly. Although he didn't say anything, I could tell my husband wasn't amused. He didn't have to tell me why, I knew what he was thinking. He was thinking that it's his job, and that of everyone who wears the uniform, to fight a war if charged with doing so. Doesn't matter if the war is popular or unpopular. Doesn't matter if the President is a Republican or a Democrat. Doesn't matter if America is shopping or at home trying to find ways to support the troops.

I don't know what it's like to don body armor and drive the streets of Afghanistan. In fact, I've never even asked my husband what it's like because I know it's likely he'll be doing it again, and perhaps it's best that I don't know. I have, however, tried my best to imagine what it must be like. At the time I showed the photo to my husband, I thought the reason it struck a chord with me was because I felt angry -- rightly or wrongly -- that too few people would bother to ponder what it must be like to be my husband in Afghanistan. Today, I realized that wasn't it at all. What's been bothering me lately is that there are too many people who would rather assume my husband and those he has the pleasure of serving with are nothing short of barbarians. It takes far less effort.

In my second installment of the series, "Fat, Whiney, Pathetic, Worthless Military Families," I turn my attention to military moms. Lest you think the moms you're about to meet are not representative of most military moms, think again. This group of losers possess the same lousy characteristics you can expect to find in most military moms. There is much work to do, as you're about to find out.

Meet the moms:

We'll start with the worst of the worst, Patti Patton-Bader. Patti had a son deployed to Iraq and found out that some of his brothers-in-arms were not receiving mail. What? These guys soak up our tax dollars and then expect people to actually send them mail and care packages? Losers. Anyway, Patti, being the lazy sloth that she is, founded a non-profit organization that has supported tens of thousands of troops, and their families as a result. Yawn. Patti's husband is so proud of his nutty wife that he wrote a book about her and Soldiers' Angels. What a pair! If you're interested in reading such crap, you can purchase the book here. Under-achievers!

Next, meet Deb Conrad, a Marine mom. Another miserable wretch. If I hear one more word about bringing Christmas Cheer to the Marine Corps (baby-killers), I think I'll throw up. Hey Deb, here's a novel idea - how about using all those private donations you collect to send back to us taxpayers who are forced to spend our tax dollars on feeding, clothing, supplying and providing health care for the beasts that make up the Marine Corps? Chesty Puller must be rolling over in his grave right now....

Oh, and who can forget that screeching Carla Lois. So your kid has PTSD and you want to whine and moan and bitch about it huh, Carla? Well, "woe is me." Think about this, if you hadn't been so damn proud of that son of yours for joining the Army to serve his country after 9/11, maybe he would have thought twice about becoming a soldier. Really, each time I type that word -- soldier -- it leaves a nasty film on my keyboard. Anyway, you bred him, you supported him, you sent all that love and support to his unit when he was deployed. You created this monster so just deal with it, okay? How dare you advocate for better mental health care for our troops? Hold onto your wallets folks, Carla and others are trying to take more of your money to support the lowest form of life on the planet - soldiers.

Our next freak in this scary freak show is Yankee Mom. She calls herself a "Proud Army Mom." Snort. How, I ask you, can she possibly be proud of her soldier daughter? First of all, that little daughter of hers would serve us all better if she were barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen. I mean, the way I see it, the only weapon a woman should be permitted to master is something with Black and Decker plastered on its side. Back to Yankee Mom. She likes to spend her days taking brownies and other fattening goodies to recruiters who are "under-appreciated." When the always-rational anti-victory types protest, Yankee Mom likes to show up waving that disgusting American flag of hers and making sure the soldiers know someone has their backs. Eyes.Are.Rolling.

He's not a mom, but a dad. A dad who lost his son in Iraq. As you can see, he's the most delusional person on the planet. Who does this guy think he is and why, tell me, should any of us give him the time of day? Starting that foundation and all. Shudder... 

Oh, and you Beth. You and your keyboard warriors. You and your "Blue Star" support group. Get over yourselves. All that intellect and emotion packed into each post. Such drivel.

Becky Davis. Becky is one of the worst. Three sons serving bleeding us dry. "Military Families Voice of Victory." Yeah right. A more appropriate name would be "Military Family Voices: Like Nails on a Chalkboard." Remember when you told attendees of the MilBlog Conference that someone from the so-called surrender-now crowd said that the world would be a better place if you were born barren? I'm inclined to believe he was onto something.

Yes, folks. This little introduction to just a few of the countless fat, whiney military moms (and dad) who are out there taking up valuable space and wasting valuable oxygen has been painful to read. I feel your pain. In fact, I've had the misfortune of meeting everyone mentioned above (with the exception of Beth) and I think it's an experience that shall haunt me forever. Sometimes when I'm tossing and turning in bed, the images of their awful deeds creep into my tiny little brain and I can't sleep. I say to myself, "What did I do to deserve this? Why did I have to come in contact with these miscreants?"  Then I roll over and look at the person next to me (assuming he's not deployed) and say, "oh yeah, I married a soldier." I suppose I'm receiving my just rewards.

Update: For those of you who missed the original post, you should watch this ugly video.

Update II (7/31): It seems some of you were left confused by this post, although I included the links to the context in the body of this post.....twice ;). This post, and the one before it, was a satirical response to a highly disturbing rant against military families. To view the ugly rant, and you really should, please click here. And no, to my confused emailers, I do not hate soldiers. In fact, I love them so much that I married one....